Falling apart.

We were sisters, shared everything. Fought and made up. Almost like an old couple.


We had a fight, like sisters do. Only this time.. you left me. You wont answer me. Not my messages nor my calls. I've tried everything.. And then you finally answered, and all you had to say was "Izzy, stop writing to me. You're a drama-queen and a selfish idiot." 


That hurt, like never before. You KNOW all I ever want to do is make everybody else then ME happy. I'll do anything for my friends.. ANYTHING! Yes, I spend a lot of time on my friends.. and a lot of money. But you.. you know you're my everything. My sun, my moon and my stars. You're my sister. 


And then you left me, all alone. When I needed you the most. You left me after you kicked all the air out of my lungs. You say I treat you like shit.. My own sister. YOU KNOW YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME! 


I'm nothing without you. You're the one who put me together when I fall apart. 


Do I really mean that little to you? I can't mean a lot since you can leave me just like that.. My friend says I should leave you alone because you're treating me like dirt. But I can't. You're my bloody sister! I can't hate you.. never! But I guess that isn't returned back. 


My life has been a living hell since you left. My heart has betrayed me.. multiple times. Where were you when I called out for you? I begged, and you ignored me. 


I love you, don't leave me forever. 


You're mad, I get that. But how long can you be that. I'm begging you to talk to me. Anything. A little sign.. just anything. 


I was standing in front of your house, for an hour. Wanting to knock on your door. I didn't have the courage to do it. To talk to my own sister. Then my dad went over to you.. and said Merry Christmas. This is the first time in my life I haven't visited you when I was at my grandparents house. All I could think of is you, you you you. 


Is this a goodbye forever? 


All I want for christmas is you. 


- Izzy

Always keep your head up Izzy.

Never give up Izzy. 
Keep your head held high, and you'll pull through this. 


I'm feeling a lot better from what I did days ago. I feel this little thing within my heart, is it... is it happiness? It's been a long time since I last felt that.

It's all thanks to my friends that I'm still not falling completely to pieces. I owe them everything. But these past days, mostly this one, has been okay. I feel kinda loved, I'm getting closer to the friends I thought I had lost, I'm revealing new sides of myself, good sides. But I'm still in a battle within myself. I can't stop that on my own, I need help - and I'm getting it.

I just wanted to tell all of you that it's going the right direction, so don't worry. I'll heal.. a little at a time.

Izzy over and out.

Running From Everything.

I'm running from everything.

From you, from her.

I need to get away.

How do you feel? Are you okay? Wanna talk? 

That's all I've been hearing these last days. My friends care for me, more than I deserve. But right now I just need to get away. 

I need to run away from all these problems, my emotions are in war and I can't seem to hide anywhere. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I want to talk, but I can't. I'm too scared. 

I made the wrong decision. 

Now I can't do anything but to watch. 

I was scared. Scared of not being good enough. Scared that I might disappoint you. So I took the safe way. 

I loved you, I still do. But.. I hurt you. And I can't do anything about it. I was selfish and didn't want to listen to my heart, instead I listened to my stupid brain and took the safe choice, leaving you behind.

I realized that. But too late.

I just want you  back, but I can't. 

I can see in your eyes, you're happy.

You smile when you talk about her. 

She's sweet, kind, caring, beautiful, perfect. You guys are sweet together and don't misunderstand me. I love her as a friend. To see her make the one I love happy makes me happy. 

But it hurts. It hurts so badly I'm falling to my knees crying. I'm breaking down, my heart is bursting with sorrow and regret. My friends say it's my own fault, and they're right. She's happy now, without me, and I just have to deal with it, and I'm really trying. Believe me! 

I put on my happy face. 

Tell everybody that I'm fine. 

Always be strong.

I tried, hard. I sat down and comforted my friend while her face was covered in tears. Trying to hold my own tears back, and I succeeded. As I always do. I wasn't going to be weak. 

But then my friend came, she could see in my eyes I was hurting, and then I broke down. Crying and sobbing. Being weak.

I hate crying in front of others, I've always been the one others could come and talk to, being the available shoulder to cry on. I've always been the strong one.

But when I come home, I fall down crying. I fall down my black hole and cry. 

I hurt myself to feel better. 

I need to get away, I cut contact with everyone. I NEED to forget you. You're my world but I have to let go. But every time I think of you. Your smile. Your laughter. Your warming touch. I fall back down. 

 I know you don't love me, so I'm leaving. 

-Izzy